You might assume that your parents will be grateful for any assistance that you provide as they age. However, a surprising number of aging parents are resistant to help from their children, even when it is offered freely and with the best of intentions. Before you take offense, it’s important to try to put yourselves in their position and do your best to understand where they are coming from. There are many possible reasons why they would be hesitant to accept help, but some of the most common include a desire to maintain independence, reluctance to be a burden on others, or fear that accepting help will lead to loss of control over their lives. Understanding why your aging parents are resistant to help can be the key to establishing a productive dialogue and finding a way to work together.
Here are five common reasons why aging parents resist help and how adult children can come alongside their parents with compassion when assistance is the last thing their parents want.
1. Role reversal
Aging parents who have always been independent and in control of their lives now find themselves struggling to do things they once did with ease. Role reversal is a situation that arises when adult children are suddenly thrust into the role of caregiver for an elderly parent. This can be a difficult transition for all involved, as the traditional roles of parent and child are reversed. For the once independent parent, this situation can be incredibly humbling, frustrating and/or depressing. If you as the adult child can approach the situation in a loving and caring way, assuring the parent that you appreciate being able to help them, you can hopefully help them feel a little better about the situation. If you try to imagine yourself in their situation, you’ll find your sense of compassion more acutely.
The adult child may find themselves taking care of their parent financially, emotionally, and even physically. They may have to make decisions about their parent’s care that they never thought they would have to make. It can be a truly challenging time, but it can also be a rewarding one. The adult child may have the opportunity to give back sacrificially with time, energy and other resources to help the elderly parents who gave and sacrificed so much for them earlier in life. Many people find that they develop a stronger bond with their parents as they take on this new role. They also learn new things about themselves and about what it means to be a caregiver.
2. Fear of losing independence
One of the main reasons why aging parents resist help is because they are afraid of becoming dependent on someone else. This fear is real and can cause them to reject help from their children, even when they need it. Imagine not being able to do everyday activities without help, such as getting dressed, bathing yourself, or climbing stairs. When something you have been able to do your entire life suddenly becomes unmanageable, it can be scary. It is important for children to understand why their parents are rejecting help and to try to find ways to help them maintain their independence while still receiving the support they need.
3. Guilt Many seniors feel guilty accepting help from their children. They may feel like they are a burden to their children or that the time and resources they need help with may prevent their children from caring for their own families – especially if their adult children have young families of their own. They may still be in the mindset of thinking, “I’m your parent … I should be helping you, not having you help me!” However, it is often effective to gently remind seniors that their adult children can provide a beneficial support system when adjusting their lifestyle and/or surroundings as they find new or different ways to maintain their independence and quality of life. In addition, accepting help can make both the parent and child feel closer and more connected. Demonstrate to your parent that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. For example, if they accept help, they may be able to avoid a fall that could cause further loss of independence such as being unable to continue living in their home.
4. Stubbornness
It is often difficult for aging parents to admit that they need assistance. They may be quite stubborn and feel like they can still take care of themselves. If your offers of help are met with resistance, it is okay to step back and allow your parent to reach out to you when they recognize they can’t do everything on their own anymore. It is important to not take it personally if your parent refuses to accept your help. It can be difficult to watch them struggle, but sometimes it is better for the relationship to ease off a little and not force help when it isn’t readily accepted. You can bring them some groceries, drop off a meal, or check in with them as a listening ear. The small things can make a big difference and may seem less threatening to your parent.
5. Shame
Some aging parents may feel embarrassed or ashamed that they can’t take care of themselves and may not want others to see them in a declining state. They may start to feel isolated and alone. It is important for you to communicate with your parents and to try to understand what they are going through. You can compassionately comfort them, while explaining that it’s okay and very understandable that they can’t do everything on their own. They may be gratefully reassured knowing that it is alright to ask for help and that you’re there for them; that they aren’t alone as they go through the aging process.
It can be challenging to know what to do when an aging parent doesn’t want help. Often, the best thing you can do is continue to provide support and love, while respecting your parent’s wishes. Try to find out why your parent doesn’t want help and see if there is a way to help them understand how much you care and want to keep them safe and comfortable as they age. You may also need to make some adjustments to how you provide help, to make it more palatable for your parent. Try to put yourself in their shoes and remember that this transition is probably even more difficult for them than it is for you. They are accustomed to being your caretaker, not the other way around.
If all else fails, you can always seek out outside help, either from professionals or from other family members. It may be that while they won’t accept help from you, they might allow someone else to assist them. The Eastern Nebraska Office on Aging offers a continuum of care for older adults and support for family members. You can learn about the services they offer here. If you don’t live in Nebraska, check in your area for similar services or check out our resources page.
With an understanding of why your parents are resistant to help you can come alongside them with patience and respect to help them maintain their quality of life, and of course their safety.