Have you ever had a conversation with your aging parent where they repeat the same story that they just told you again…and again? Do you notice a decline in their ability to do things they used to do with ease? If so, it might be time to start talking with your parents about their desired plans for their future. This type of conversation can be uncomfortable and daunting to think about, but understanding your parents’ wishes for care as they age can help give both you and your parents peace of mind. The conversation may include discussing important things like where they would like to live, what type of care they would like, and who they would like to take care of them. Explaining that you would like to do your best to honor them and their wishes may make them more receptive to this type of discussion.
It’s also important to ask about their estate plan and discuss who will handle their finances and medical care if they become unable to do so themselves. As sensitive as the topic is, it can also be a good time to discuss what kind of funeral service they would like. Having these conversations early on will help ensure that everyone is on the same page when Mom or Dad enter their senior years or pass away.
Here are a few topics to cover and tips for starting a conversation about life planning with your parents. Keep in mind you may need to give them some space and time to think about their preferences; you may want or need to have several conversations over time.
Finances
It’s not easy to talk to aging parents about their finances, but if you’ve been able to have this type of conversation before an emergency arises, it will eliminate much of the uncertainty and stress that can come at this time. Knowing in advance what their plans are for the future and what financial resources they have in case they need long-term care can help put your and their minds a little more at ease. Here are some important questions to ask:
1. Do they have a will? If not, who will inherit their assets?
2. Do they have long-term care insurance?
3. Have they designated someone to make financial decisions on their behalf if they become incapacitated?
4. Do they have a retirement plan in place? Are they on track to meet their goals?
5. What are their monthly expenses? Do they have enough income to cover them?
6. Do they have any debt? If so, how much and what are the terms?
7. What are their healthcare costs? Are they covered by insurance?
Here are a few tips for how to approach the topic:
- Be respectful and understanding. Your parents may be resistant to talking about their finances, so it’s very important to be patient and understanding. Explain that you’re just trying to help them plan for the future and ensure that their needs will be taken care of.
- Be honest about your own financial situation. If your parents are reluctant to talk about their finances, they may be more open to doing so if you’re honest about your own financial situation. This can help them understand that you’re not just trying to get their money, but that you’re genuinely concerned about their well-being.
- Ask questions and listen more than you talk.
Health
Discussing health with your aging parent includes both their physical health and their mental health. It’s important that they have a doctor they are seeing regularly and that they are taking care of themselves physically. Staying mentally healthy by doing things they enjoy and keeping up with social activities is just as important as taking care of their physical health.
It is helpful for adult children to communicate with professionals who are involved in their parents’ care as they get older. This includes doctors, nurses, and social workers. Keep an open dialogue about medications and treatments, as well as any other questions or concerns you may have. By communicating effectively with your parents’ healthcare providers, you’ll be able to ensure that they’re getting the best possible care.
Even though you want to be as involved as possible, there are a couple of considerations. Do you need permission to talk to your parents’ healthcare provider? And what if your parents are not comfortable with you being involved?
The laws regarding medical privacy are complicated and vary from state to state. Generally, however, you usually do not need your aging parent’s permission to access their medical records or speak with their doctor, as long as you are acting in your parent’s best interests. You may want to ask your parent to designate you as their healthcare proxy or power of attorney (or find out who your parents want that person to be). If you are unsure about your rights or what steps to take, it is best to consult an attorney who specializes in elder law.
It’s important to remember that your parents’ healthcare is ultimately their responsibility. If they’re not comfortable with you being involved, try to respect their wishes, and do your best to stay up to date on their care if you can. Let them know you are concerned about their welfare and there for them if needed.
End-of-life decisions
One of the most difficult conversations to have with aging parents is about end-of-life wishes. You may feel awkward discussing death, but it’s important to have this conversation so that you know what your parents want while they can still communicate their wishes to you. For example, would they want life-sustaining treatment if they become ill, or do they wish to be buried or have their ashes scattered in a particular place. Here are a few tips on how you could bring up the topic:
1. Start by expressing your love and support for your parents. Let them know that you want to make sure that their wishes are carried out as they age.
2. Share your concerns about their well-being and let them know that you want to make sure they’re taken care of, both now and in the future.
3. Talk about their funeral wishes and ask them what they would like to happen when they die. This can be a difficult conversation, but it’s important to have open communication with your parents about their end-of-life plans. Not only can talking about this in advance help put their mind at ease, but also at your time of loss, it can ease your sorrow a little if you don’t have to agonize over what you think they would want you to be doing. If they can direct you in advance, it is one less decision to make at this challenging time.
The Five Wishes booklet is a helpful tool to get you started. The Five Wishes website describes their workbook as a comprehensive, person-centered advance care planning program that offers a proven, easy-to-use approach to having effective and compassionate conversations.
These conversations can be awkward enough, but what if you and your parents don’t get along? What if you and your siblings don’t agree on the best way to approach things? If you already have a strained relationship with your parents or siblings, it can be difficult to make a plan for the future. However, there are ways to work through this and come to a consensus. It’s important to do everything you can to have an open discussion. You may need to compromise on some things but express your sincere desire that everyone feels heard and respected. If you can’t come to an agreement on your own, you may need to seek the help of a professional mediator.
Remember, this is not a one-time discussion and things may change over time. The key point we’d like to encourage you to consider is to try to start the conversation early. Working together with your parents to create a plan for their care and helping to communicate those wishes to other family members can make their aging years smoother for everyone involved.